For a long time, this was nothing more than a half-song bound for an imagined follow-up project, but as I continued to tinker with the song, squeeze it into into the traditional pop structures we know and love, some great melodies were exhumed. And then that bridge melody (“I know you wanna fuck me better!”) suddenly appeared, under different words at the time—literally don’t know how or why, but it did—and I decided this ought to be a proper pop song.

This is a bit of a too-surreal-to-be-real tidbit of info, as my life very often tends to be, but, about the chorus:



The subject of this song wrote it, in a way. For one of his own songs, for one of his own bands. We’d had a bit of an argument about a part of his song, some post-chorus melody, I believe. I suggested that, considering the rarity of such a millable melody, he should repeat it a bit more in the song, really hammer it home. Turn his anonymous 90s rock thing into a saleable, delicious pop gem.



If memory is to be trusted—though it usually isn’t, mind you!—he immediately turned sour and defensive, and the discussion devolved into artist identity politics, about his learned history and storied experience which obviously dwarfed mine, he being the older, seasoned, working musician, myself being the naïve never-has-been bedroom pop artist. He’s already tried the pop thing, he maybe said. (As if it were a piece of clothing to be worn exactly once!)



Naturally, in spite, I filched from memory that post-chorus of his—unintentionally at first, as I think the whole nature of that argument was seared into my brain, his song looping in my head, the ironic soundtrack to our relationship’s demise. As time went on and I slowly detached from the memory—as I failed more relationships in similar style—I refreshed the song to address a bigger, overarching theme, centring on myself more. Same story, different characters, new perspective.

It really was the hardest song to finish, too. It has like three distinct tones to it and it was so fucking impossible to make it all gel without sounding smashed together, too academically contrived. Once I added the Quadrant-defining woodwinds, the challenge multiplied.

I just wanted it to reflect my brain, where everything’s always blurred together, parallel and perpendicular to something else, an analog or metaphor for another thing. I feel compelled to represent that multiplicity in my music else it isn’t me, which is why the songs are so often genre-agnostic and messy. The challenge is in presenting that mashed goop as a cohesive whole, not just haphazard spillage. I know this is a fucking mess, my songs try to say, but it’s an intentional mess; I know what I’m doing!

I think I’ve pulled it off, but I also think it could’ve existed as a straightforward, beat-less ballad. (I’ll probably play it live this way.) If you hear the demo, you’ll realise the trick was minimising the palette, focusing on a few key instruments, and drastically reducing the bass parts, even cutting it completely for the first chorus.

The verse melodies were really difficult to sing for some reason. Kept slipping into this weird sing-speak. Re-recorded it to the point of hating it, honestly.

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